finding my way through the fog
but you can take my hand if you want to
Photographing the fog this morning, using a prism through my car window for the background image. In this one, I was drawn to the soft line cutting off the rear view mirror, and I imagined putting a portrait on the road, disappearing into that soft line.
I had a different portrait in mind, but it didn’t fit for me. While scanning through my images, I landed on this older one. When I was finished, the hand was what stood out to me the most.
This portrait was part of a series I created a few years ago. I wrote this at that time:
A handful of self-portraits taken in my hallway in the span of 11 minutes. Intending to get one image, but seeing several that moved me. Allowing myself to get carried away with it as I go, riding that creative wave. The more time spent, the deeper meanings unfold. Themes of change, and all the emotions that arise in the face of change … feeling lost, indecision, regret or second-guessing, challenge, trapped, running/escape, self-trust, surrender.
Looking back, this was the first piece I created with this portrait.
And the words I wrote at that time:
Making that climb. It may seem a small hill to you, but it feels like a mountain to me. Ever curious about what is just beyond my current view.
While searching for this image, I came across another piece I created using this portrait. It was for a creative project using the prompt:
“I am out with lanterns looking for myself.” -Emily Dickinson
And some of the words I used at that time:
I am having trouble, Emily, looking for myself with this lantern, because I didn’t realize that I am light. I won’t find what I am looking for by looking outward, only inward. That somewhere inside of me, I do know the way, moment by moment, breath by breath.
I didn’t realize there was this progression when I chose this portrait to use today, only after going back through my work. But it adds these unexpected layers of depth for me. Each portrait holds meaning and a piece of my story. Spending some time tonight on this trail, I get to say to myself in this unique way, ‘Look how far you’ve come.’
And what I see in this new image is a steadiness. The fog is not frustrating or confusing, but more of a delight. It’s not obscuring one ‘actual’ way things should be. Rather, it’s a mystery to engage with. Hand open. Not in the way of needing a guide, but in the way of inviting company into this exploration.
