Have I Been?

Have I been blind, have I been lost inside
Myself and my own mind?
Hypnotized, mesmerized
By what my eyes have seen?
Have I been wrong, have I been wise
To shut my eyes and play along?
Hypnotized, paralyzed
By what my eyes have found
By what my eyes have seen
Ooh, what they have seen
Have I been blind?
Have I been lost?
Ooh, have I been lost.
Have I been wise?
Have I been weak?
Have I been strong?
Ooh, have I been strong.
Have I been hypnotized, mesmerized
By what my eyes have found.
-Natalie Merchant, Carnival, Paradise is There: The New Tigerlily Recordings

Sometimes we need a process to help us face truth, to be able to look at the things we’d rather turn away from. Our natural resistance is strong and protective. Learning a process that works for you, one that honors this resistance while making space for new possibilities, can be so helpful.

Pulling a few images that were the closest fit to something I wanted to express about someone else’s story. These were not spot on, but the closest I had to work with. It had to do loosely with being stuck in places you never wanted to be. It had to do loosely with all the efforts, conscious or otherwise, placed in avoiding the things that have caused us pain. And the experience of beginning to look despite the discomfort caused. When generalized, of course this is a shared story.

Art has been part of this process for me. A way to sit with what makes you uncomfortable. A way to find your edge of tolerance and gently expand.

I sent this image to Insight to see what would get sent back. This is becoming a really valued part of my process, another tool. I use it sort of like a Rorschach test, a direct analogy between the process of perception/interpretation and my relationship with the world. I take in what is sent back and consider what thoughts and feelings it brings up for me. Looking for ways it can expand my current understanding of whatever it is I am thinking about.

What I see

The subject’s face is now partially visible. Turning, beginning to look around in this space. The space expands a little with the addition of stairs. I’m not inspired enough with what I see here so I ask Insight to send another set.

What I see

I am most drawn to the last image here. Not just turning around to look, but leaving this space. She could stay in this building and go up the stairs, but it looks like she is headed the other way. Maybe out the door. In another image in this series she is holding a bag and a jacket, another indication of leaving.

What next

I often create another image after reflecting on these AI-generated sets. But this time I decided to paint instead. I noticed the blue color. It reminds me of being by water on a cloudy day. Something new in the images but very familiar and comforting. Something expansive. I noticed the white doors, a way out.

Painting is still fairly new for me, not something I am very confident in. While working on this I felt waves of ‘I don’t know what I am doing here’ and ‘I messed it up, again’. And it’s all very fitting. It’s uncomfortable making a change, doing something different. Exponentially so when it comes to facing those painful things we have historically avoided. So find a way to soften those edges, and just keep going.

“The efforts you use to remove the reigns of the past from your mind so that you can arrive into the present as an unburdened human being is an act of love.” -Yung Pueblo